Living With Connie

This past Saturday, was the 10 year anniversary of Jonathan leaving this earthly life. I was able visit with his family and I think that was a good thing for all of us. I never thought 10 years ago my life would be where it is today. I am so grateful for the things I have learned and still have to learn.
Living with Connie was the greatest blessing in my life in my time of grief. I moved up to live with her in April of 2006. I was quickly able to find a job working at Miller Beef in Hyrum as a receptionist that worked out great with my school schedule. I also met some really amazing friends while working there too. Me and Connie shared something that I know I never would have been able to share with anyone else. We were able to understand each other on so many levels. I literally thought we would die old widows together because we had so much in common and did everything together. I tell her all the time (even to this day), that she got me through the hardest part of my life and I will forever be grateful for her and her kindness it letting me move it with her and pour my soul out to her without ever batting and eye! I loved all our late night talks, cries together, and hours of just being able to tell her how angry or sad I was and she knew completely how I felt!
While I was living with Connie, we went and talked to several other women who had been widowed in their lifetime. Some of them old, some of them not so old. The old ones we would leave thinking they don't get us, they had their spouse for most their lifetime, we only had ours for a short time and that they just couldn't relate to us in our particular situation. This is when I started to understand that grieving is so different for everyone. I hate to hear people say they have it worse than someone else in the grieving process, nobody has it worse than anyone, it is so hard on every person in different ways and every persons situation is so different, what it comes down to is losing a loved one is not easy on anyone in any way. I remember one particular lady that we went and talked to. Her situation was very similar to ours. She was married to a man at a young age in the temple, they hadn't been married very long when he was tragically taken in a freak accident. They had no children. She had remarried when we went and talked to her and had 6 children with her new husband. As we talked to her, she cried as she told us her story and her current situation. Her current husband was not active in the church, but she was confident and faithful that things will work out to the Lord's will in the next life, whatever that may be. As I listened to her, I realized it's faith that we have to have to move on and that they will always be a part of you and you will never get over the fact that they live on in your memory. One thing that always rang out with all the widows that we talked to was that with time you will heal. When widows would tell me and Connie that, we would leave there thinking whatever they don't have a clue, they have no idea what we are going through how can they even say that! Well, here I am almost 10 years later saying something similar to those widows who are just starting out on the journey of widowhood. I don't think time heals everything or that it necessarily get's easier, but I think with time you learn to live without them and you learn to carry on in life. There is always going to be that scar on your heart and some memories and thoughts will make that scar hurt and you'll still cry, but with time you will learn to live without them because really that's what you have to do, it's not easy, but eventually you will smile again and that smile will be a tribute to their life.
Connie and I decided since our husbands never got to do some of the things that they wanted to in this life, that we were going to do that for them and we traveled to lots of places that we thought our husbands would have loved to go to. One of the first places we visited was Oregon. We went to Oregon to go visit Jared and Amy, one of the survivors of the accident and his wife. My aunt lives in Oregon and is in Jared and Amy's stake and so we were able to stay with my aunt while visitng them. Jared sustained a brain stem injury in the accident and will never be the same. He can no longer walk or talk and has to be taken care of 24 hours a day. After visiting Amy and watching her take care of Jared day in and day out, I admire her for her faith and love for Jared, she is absolutley amazing!
Our next trip was to Las Vegas to the NFR. I know this was somewhere Jonathan always wanted to go. Our trip to Vegas was interesting. Let's just say both of us were used to our husbands navigating and driving (they were better at that than us), and we had people honking and flipping us off all over the place cause we didn't know where we were going! I loved the NFR and want to go back!
Our next trip was back to Vegas to watch George Strait in concert. You would have though we had the navigation down by now, but we still struggled! This was a quick trip for us. We flew down one day, stayed there the whole day that the concert was and then got up bright and early at 5 am to fly back the next morning. We were so tired after this trip because the conert didn't end until about 2 in the morning then we had to get up bright and early to catch our flight back.
Our next excitement was out to the Cheyenne Frontier Days Rodeo. This was such a fun trip! We drove out there and let's just say Mapquest sucked at getting us to our hotel, so we had to find it ourselves, which we were not very good at! While we were in Cheyenne, we went to the Boot Barn. I have never seen so many boots in my life! Cheyenne was a fun little town that we checked some things out. We went to the rodeo 2 days and then the second night of the rodeo, we watched Trace Adkins in concert at the rodeo grounds. The Cheyenne rodeo arena is seriously the coolest arena I have ever been in for a rodeo!
This trip kind of ended our traveling for awhile because I had started back in school and I was busy working and going to school. We did take a few little close vacations to Connie's brothers house in Cedar City and we went out to Reno to watch my sister play volleyball too. On a side note about the trip to Cedar City, Connie came and picked me up at my parents house the day that we left. She was towing a horse trailer full of stuff down to her brother, but needed to get gas before we headed out. So, we stop at the gas station right off the freeway and as Connie is pulling into the pump, the trailer we are towing hits one of those cement/metal u-shape things at the end of the pumps and totally bends it over and part of the wheel well of the trailer dug into the tire and popped it. We were stuck. None of my brothers were home to help, and neither of us knew what to do. Luckily Jonathan's brother lived close in Orem and I was able to call him and he came to the rescue to help us. After our delayed repair, we were finally able to get on the road and make it to Cedar!
These mini vacations were a little bittersweet. We had so much fun, but sometimes wish that we could have been doing it with our spouses.

Chris Ledoux

I love to listen to the Chris Ledoux station on Pandora. Today, as I was getting ready and listening to it, I had a little thought come to me that I wanted to share so that it didn't slip into my memory somewhere and get lost!
Before Jonathan and I met, I loved Chris Ledoux, but marrying him brought on a whole new love for Chris Ledoux. While we were dating, we went to a Chris Ledoux concert together and after we were married, I think we made it to two more of his concerts before Christ Ledoux died. At our wedding open house in Oakley, we had dancing and Chris Ledoux was pretty much all that was played that night! Lots of Christ Ledoux songs remind me of Jonathan and so I love listening to him!
Anytime Jonathan and I were in the car together, all he wanted to do was listen to Chris Ledoux. Occosionally I could slip in some George Strait, Reba, or Brad Paisley, but the majority of the music we listened to on longer drives was Chris Ledoux.
I will never forget the day Chris Ledoux died. I don't remember the exact date, but I remember it was April of 2005 and I was working at CAL Ranch in Logan, and I was cashiering when Jonathan walked in to the store in a somber mood and came up to me and the first thing he says to me is, "Guess who died today?" and he looked like he was going to cry, so I am sitting there thinking it's someone we know that is close to us, but I had no idea, so I said, "who" and he proceeds to tell me Christ Ledoux and I literally thought he was going to cry. It was a devestating day for him! He tells me, "We are not going to be able to go to anymore concerts!"
Well, just a few short months after Chris Ledoux passed, Jonathan was tragically taken from this earth. I like to think that maybe he has found Chris Ledoux (one of his idols) in the spirit world and teaching him about the gospel.

5 Things I wish they had told me about grief - but they didn't!

I came across this today, and it couldn't be any more true!

5 Things I wish they had told me about grief - but they didn't!

#1 - It won't look normal. What the heck is normal anyway? Cry, don't cry, walk around in a daze - it's ALL NORMAL.

#2 - You will want to talk about the person who died - at length.

#3 - People will shun you to protect themselves from feeling uncomfortable.

#4 - You will laugh at the most inappropriate things probably for the rest of your life. I call it widow humor.

#5 - You will smile again and at first it will make you feel incredibly guilty but in time you realize your smile is a tribute to their life.

Life After the Funeral

Life after the funeral is all a blur. I don't know if I have already mentioned, but I withrew from USU that semester (except for one online class to keep mind on something occasionally) because my mind was just not there to focus on a full semester of school. I had also moved back home with my parents because I felt like I couldn't live up there at that moment in time. I had no family up there, the only people I really knew was those that I worked with at CAL Ranch. Yes, I loved some of those co-workers dearly but I needed my family at the time. I got into a funk after the funeral that I really felt hopeless and that I had nothing in life to live for. I was living at my parnets, not working, not going to school, really, there was not reason for my to be here. My whole life had been ripped right out of my hands. Everything I ever hoped for and dreamed was gone from me. Jonathan's birthday was just a week and a few days after the accident. I spent his 23rd birthday buying flower and visiting his grave, really this was my life...This funk lasted for a few weeks before I realized I needed to do something. I needed to do something to help keep my mind from constantly thinking about how bad my life sucked. I talked to my old boss and was able to get hired back on at American Fork City. I only worked six hours a day, five days a week, but it was good enough for me! After starting at the city, I finally decided I better start my online class and get caught up so I didn't fail. So my 6 hours a day work, and my one online class was able to keep my mind occupied for a good chunk of the day. I didn't sleep very much at night for months following the accident.
The November after the accident, USU held a dinner and memorial for all the victims families with the president of the University. I was so excited to go to this dinner. I had found out following the accident that there were 3 other married boys who had left widows in the accident. One being the instructor and the other 2 were students. I found out that one of the boys was married to my 2nd cousin. My mom and her mom were first cousins. I was so excited to meet these young widows. I just wanted to talk to someone who understood me because nobody else did.
We went up to the dinner and I had so much hope meeting these women. We ate dinner in the Student Center and then moved over to the Spectrum for the memorial and then over to another building for ice cream after. At the dinner, they had everyone introduce themselves, so I was able to see who the widows were but didn't get to talk to them during the dinner, then we moved over to the Spectrum for an amazing memorial that was put on by various speakers and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. This memorial was very comforting to me. The music was absolutely beautiful. The Tabernacle Choir sang a song that will forever stick with me and I still struggle when I hear it. It was called Homeward Bound and described by situation perfectly. I was anxious during the memorial because I still had not talked to these other widows something I was dying to do because I really needed some comfort from those who I felt understood me. We headed over to eat ice cream and finally, I was able to talk to them. Connie(my 2nd cousin) and I really hit it off. We talked and talked and cried and cried and couldn't shut up. We exchanged phone numbers and email and kept in very close contact. I had told her that I wanted to finish school, but I just didn't want to come back up here and live with single girls or live by myself. She told me she needed a little help in paying her mortgage and that she really wanted someone to live with her, but didn't want single girls either who had no idea what she has been through, so she asked if I wanted to come live with her. I was so relieved, I could finish my schooling and would be able to live with someone that completely understood me. I decided to move in with Connie a few months later in April of 2006 and I never looked back because it was the exactly what I needed in my life.

Funeral

I woke up early the morning of the funeral to more throwing up (keep in mind I still had not ate anything, only drank a little here and there. I just couldn't eat, it made me sick to even think aobut it). My sister also woke up not feeling well that morning either. My mom was really worried about me becuase I was throwing up and didn't have anything really in my system to throw up. So, she called my aunt who is a nurse practioner to see what she thought. My aunt told my mom I needed to at least get some electrolytes in my system and that she would bring this shot that would help hydrate me and get me to quit throwing up. So, my mom pumped me full of Propel that morning before we headed up to the funeral.

I headed up to the funeral with my parents that morning. We were having an hour long viewing before the funeral started and during the viewing, my aunt showed up with the shot. I left the line and went with her into the bathroom where she gave me the shot. There were several people in the bathroom, with looks on their faces wondering what was going on. Later one of those people in the bathroom asked Jonathan's family if I was okay because they saw me getting a shot in the bathroom? Makes us laugh now, but at the time I didn't think anything of it becuase I literally was not with life mentally.

Thanks to my aunt, I made it through the funeral day without throwing up and was even able to eat at the luncheon after we went to the cemetery.

Just like most of my memories of that week, I don't remember a lot of the funeral or what was said. The thing that I remember most was that we took Jonathan's casket by "horse and buggy" to the cemetery instead of in the hearse. We had his horse Sassy sadled and walking along the side. Jonathan's mom thought this would be the way he would want to go, so that's what we did. My grandpa Pedersen dedicated his grave (he was also the one that sealed us in the temple) and we went back to the church for a luncheon. 

My sister was not feeling well that day and sletp in the Primary room while the luncheon was going on. Maybe she should have got one of those shots too!

After the luncheon and the funeral, I became really emotional that night after I had got home and had time to actually think. I think the funeral really made me realize that I wasn't going to see him again and that my life really did just drastically change and I was left there to pick up the pieces of the unknown...

Summer

This time of year is a little bittersweet for me. It's rodeo season, and rodeos were something Jonathan and I attended quite often together. I love to go watch them, but they are a little bittersweet for me because I am often reminded once again that it was something we did and he is not with doing that anymore. I am glad that my daughter loves to wear her "cowgirl boots" and go to rodeos because it reminds me of the good times. We went to Yellowstone over the fourth of July and it was also another bittersweet time for me because the drive to the Idaho Falls/Rigby area and the Driggs area remind of of Jonathan becuase we spent a good portion of our married life there with going to see his grandma in Rigby and him doing his internship in Tetonia which is near Driggs, so I can't help to think about those time when I am in those areas. I have to give props to men that marry widows because widows come with a lot of emotional baggage. Life is never quite "normal" for a widow but we can still make the most of life and enjoy it!

Viewing

The days in between the accident and the funeral/viewing were all a blur. All I really remember was all the many people that came over, and all the people that called, and all the food that was brought. Some of the people I remember, others I don't. I think in my brain, I was still trying to process the events that had just taken place in my life. Here I was left a 22 year old widow, literally thinking my life had just ended and how could this have really just happened. I was hoping I would still just wake up from a horrible nightmare and this wasn't all really happening.

The night of the viewing was really long. The viewing was held at Jonathan's parents church in Oakley. My brother had made a video of Jonathan's life that we played for the people standing in line. We also had some tables with things displayed that depicted  Jonathan's life. I believe his mom had put all the displays together, because I am not really sure who did all of that. I think by the night of the viewing I was pretty much cried out. I don't think I had another drop of water in me to even cry out at this point. So many people came to the viewing, people I knew, people I didn't, people I didn't even think would have known about the accident even showed up. This guy by the name of Juan Franco from Utah State came to the viewing and offered his condolences on behalf of the University. He then gave me an honorary diploma that had Jonathan's name on it, and when he gave me that I lost it, I thought I didn't have anything left in my to cry out, but the tears came from somewhere. I later found out that the University had given each of the families involved in the accident who lost loved ones an honorary diploma. I thought that was really neat of them to do.

By the end of the night I was exhausted. (Keep in mind I still had not ate anything since the night of the accident, so I was going on 3 days of not eating, and I had only drank small amounts of water at this point.) I think Jonathan's parents ward Relief Society (or somebody) had brought some food in for the family to eat after the viewing. After the viewing we were all sitting around talking for a bit, some people were eating. My mom told me I should go eat something, I of course told her I didn't feel like eating, which was the honest truth. I had not had any sort of an appetite for days now. Jonathan's sister thought I needed to eat too, so she brought me in a sandwich, I took one look at it and got really nauseous and told her to get it out of here before I throw up. She took it out and then I got really light headed and had to sit down because I felt like I was going to pass out. I am sure just being on my feet all night and not having anything to eat for 3 days caused me to feel that way, but I didn't think about it that way that night.

My parents, my sister in law, and myself headed back home for the night from the viewing. We had to go through Parley's canyon (which takes longer to get to my parents) on the way home instead of through Provo canyon because they were doing construction in Provo canyon, so it was closed at nights. I tried to get some rest on the drive home because I knew the next day was going to be a long day, and I hadn't slept or ate in a few days. Just as we were about out of Parley's canyon and ready to get on I-215, all the sudden I had the feeling like I was going to throw up come on. I hurry and said to my dad who was driving that he needed to pull over becuase I was going to throw up. He asked if I could wait until the exit, and at first I told him yes, but then I said no I need to right now, and right after I got those words out, I threw up all over in the car and all over myself and my sister in law in the back seat. I didn't think twice about it that night, but now that I look back on it, I feel really bad that my poor parents and sister in law had to ride in a stinky throw up car the rest of the way home, but never once did I hear any of them say that it stunk or anything!

I came home and showered that night, while I think my poor mother probably cleaned out the car, because I know I didn't. I went to bed, and that night was the first night I actually was able to fall asleep and stay asleep for a few hours for the first time in a few days.