Life after the funeral is all a blur. I don't know if I have already mentioned, but I withrew from USU that semester (except for one online class to keep mind on something occasionally) because my mind was just not there to focus on a full semester of school. I had also moved back home with my parents because I felt like I couldn't live up there at that moment in time. I had no family up there, the only people I really knew was those that I worked with at CAL Ranch. Yes, I loved some of those co-workers dearly but I needed my family at the time. I got into a funk after the funeral that I really felt hopeless and that I had nothing in life to live for. I was living at my parnets, not working, not going to school, really, there was not reason for my to be here. My whole life had been ripped right out of my hands. Everything I ever hoped for and dreamed was gone from me. Jonathan's birthday was just a week and a few days after the accident. I spent his 23rd birthday buying flower and visiting his grave, really this was my life...This funk lasted for a few weeks before I realized I needed to do something. I needed to do something to help keep my mind from constantly thinking about how bad my life sucked. I talked to my old boss and was able to get hired back on at American Fork City. I only worked six hours a day, five days a week, but it was good enough for me! After starting at the city, I finally decided I better start my online class and get caught up so I didn't fail. So my 6 hours a day work, and my one online class was able to keep my mind occupied for a good chunk of the day. I didn't sleep very much at night for months following the accident.
The November after the accident, USU held a dinner and memorial for all the victims families with the president of the University. I was so excited to go to this dinner. I had found out following the accident that there were 3 other married boys who had left widows in the accident. One being the instructor and the other 2 were students. I found out that one of the boys was married to my 2nd cousin. My mom and her mom were first cousins. I was so excited to meet these young widows. I just wanted to talk to someone who understood me because nobody else did.
We went up to the dinner and I had so much hope meeting these women. We ate dinner in the Student Center and then moved over to the Spectrum for the memorial and then over to another building for ice cream after. At the dinner, they had everyone introduce themselves, so I was able to see who the widows were but didn't get to talk to them during the dinner, then we moved over to the Spectrum for an amazing memorial that was put on by various speakers and the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. This memorial was very comforting to me. The music was absolutely beautiful. The Tabernacle Choir sang a song that will forever stick with me and I still struggle when I hear it. It was called Homeward Bound and described by situation perfectly. I was anxious during the memorial because I still had not talked to these other widows something I was dying to do because I really needed some comfort from those who I felt understood me. We headed over to eat ice cream and finally, I was able to talk to them. Connie(my 2nd cousin) and I really hit it off. We talked and talked and cried and cried and couldn't shut up. We exchanged phone numbers and email and kept in very close contact. I had told her that I wanted to finish school, but I just didn't want to come back up here and live with single girls or live by myself. She told me she needed a little help in paying her mortgage and that she really wanted someone to live with her, but didn't want single girls either who had no idea what she has been through, so she asked if I wanted to come live with her. I was so relieved, I could finish my schooling and would be able to live with someone that completely understood me. I decided to move in with Connie a few months later in April of 2006 and I never looked back because it was the exactly what I needed in my life.
