Viewing

The days in between the accident and the funeral/viewing were all a blur. All I really remember was all the many people that came over, and all the people that called, and all the food that was brought. Some of the people I remember, others I don't. I think in my brain, I was still trying to process the events that had just taken place in my life. Here I was left a 22 year old widow, literally thinking my life had just ended and how could this have really just happened. I was hoping I would still just wake up from a horrible nightmare and this wasn't all really happening.

The night of the viewing was really long. The viewing was held at Jonathan's parents church in Oakley. My brother had made a video of Jonathan's life that we played for the people standing in line. We also had some tables with things displayed that depicted  Jonathan's life. I believe his mom had put all the displays together, because I am not really sure who did all of that. I think by the night of the viewing I was pretty much cried out. I don't think I had another drop of water in me to even cry out at this point. So many people came to the viewing, people I knew, people I didn't, people I didn't even think would have known about the accident even showed up. This guy by the name of Juan Franco from Utah State came to the viewing and offered his condolences on behalf of the University. He then gave me an honorary diploma that had Jonathan's name on it, and when he gave me that I lost it, I thought I didn't have anything left in my to cry out, but the tears came from somewhere. I later found out that the University had given each of the families involved in the accident who lost loved ones an honorary diploma. I thought that was really neat of them to do.

By the end of the night I was exhausted. (Keep in mind I still had not ate anything since the night of the accident, so I was going on 3 days of not eating, and I had only drank small amounts of water at this point.) I think Jonathan's parents ward Relief Society (or somebody) had brought some food in for the family to eat after the viewing. After the viewing we were all sitting around talking for a bit, some people were eating. My mom told me I should go eat something, I of course told her I didn't feel like eating, which was the honest truth. I had not had any sort of an appetite for days now. Jonathan's sister thought I needed to eat too, so she brought me in a sandwich, I took one look at it and got really nauseous and told her to get it out of here before I throw up. She took it out and then I got really light headed and had to sit down because I felt like I was going to pass out. I am sure just being on my feet all night and not having anything to eat for 3 days caused me to feel that way, but I didn't think about it that way that night.

My parents, my sister in law, and myself headed back home for the night from the viewing. We had to go through Parley's canyon (which takes longer to get to my parents) on the way home instead of through Provo canyon because they were doing construction in Provo canyon, so it was closed at nights. I tried to get some rest on the drive home because I knew the next day was going to be a long day, and I hadn't slept or ate in a few days. Just as we were about out of Parley's canyon and ready to get on I-215, all the sudden I had the feeling like I was going to throw up come on. I hurry and said to my dad who was driving that he needed to pull over becuase I was going to throw up. He asked if I could wait until the exit, and at first I told him yes, but then I said no I need to right now, and right after I got those words out, I threw up all over in the car and all over myself and my sister in law in the back seat. I didn't think twice about it that night, but now that I look back on it, I feel really bad that my poor parents and sister in law had to ride in a stinky throw up car the rest of the way home, but never once did I hear any of them say that it stunk or anything!

I came home and showered that night, while I think my poor mother probably cleaned out the car, because I know I didn't. I went to bed, and that night was the first night I actually was able to fall asleep and stay asleep for a few hours for the first time in a few days.

Signs

So, I like to sometimes think Jonathan sends me little signs from heaven so that I know it's him. I mentioned previously that the day of Jonathan's accident, as I was driving home the song, "If Tomorrow Never Comes" by Garth Brooks came on the radio and I burst into tears. I felt like that was Jonathan telling me something then that he wouldn't be able to communicate with me any other way, and that's just how I feel about it to this day, whether that is really what it was or not. Anyway, yesterday which would have marked our 10 year anniversary as I was going about my day, I was driving in the car and that same song came on. I thought it was ironic, and in my head, I couldn't help but think maybe that was a little sign from him letting me know he was thinking about me! Love little signs like that when sometimes those days can be hard.

Happy Anniversary

Today would have marked mine and Jonathan's 10th anniversary! Days like today are harder than others but I want to wish that amazing man in heaven a Happy 10th Anniversary! Love you Jonathan!

Dark Days...

I don't remember a lot about the following days after Jonathan's passing. Bits and pieces stick out in my mind, but it was mostly a blur. The day after his passing, my brother who was serving a mission in Germany was able to call us early that next morning. I don't remember what we talked about, but I do remember that call and I was grateful that I could talk to him since he would not be able to attend the funeral. Also, that same day, my parents took me up to Bear River Hospital to pick up Jonathan's belongings that they had there, which includes his boots, clothes, wallet, and cell phone. I remember as they handed me his things in a bag, I just started sobbing, was this really true that I was picking up my husband of 15 months belongings at the hospital because of his passing. After  we went to the hospital, we drove through Sardine Canyon over to mine and Jonathan's home in Hyrum to pick up some clothes and things for the coming days since I had not taken anything with me when I went to the hospital the day before. I remember driving through the canyon and all the leaves were turning colors and now to this day, fall is my least favorite season. It reminds me of that awful day in September of 2005. When we arrived at our home, there was news people and people from our ward there. The news people wanted to talk to me, but I wouldn't talk to them. I was not in any mood to talk anybody and especially the news about what has just happened in my life. I was still trying to take it all in, it still couldn't be real could it? How could I be a 22 year old widow, this is not how life was suppose to go.
After I gathered a few things and clothes from my house, my parents took me to Crandall Funeral Home in Kamas where I was to plan my husbands funeral. This was the hardest part of all for me, because it made it seem more real. Here I was picking out caskets and vaults that my husbands body would lie in in a cemetery. NO! I really should not be doing this at 22, this is what women at 70 do when they have lived a long good life with their spouse. At this point, I really didn't care about much because I felt like if I held off planning the funeral then it wouldn't seem real. After several hours of sitting there decided a funeral program, picking out caskets, and writing an obituary, the funeral was planned and this was all too real for me. I left the funeral home in tears wishing I could rewind my life backwards. The next stop was the local flower shop to pick out a casket spray, I just didn't have the energy or the willingness to do any of this or pick anything out, nor did I really care, so thanks to my good mom who helped me out on this day of having to pick things out for the day we would lay the love of my life to rest. After the flower shop, we headed back to my parents where phone call after phone call and meal after meal (which nobody wanted to eat anything) kept coming. I really was in a daze for the next few days and don't remember much about those days other then lots of people coming to offer their condolences.