Dark Days...

I don't remember a lot about the following days after Jonathan's passing. Bits and pieces stick out in my mind, but it was mostly a blur. The day after his passing, my brother who was serving a mission in Germany was able to call us early that next morning. I don't remember what we talked about, but I do remember that call and I was grateful that I could talk to him since he would not be able to attend the funeral. Also, that same day, my parents took me up to Bear River Hospital to pick up Jonathan's belongings that they had there, which includes his boots, clothes, wallet, and cell phone. I remember as they handed me his things in a bag, I just started sobbing, was this really true that I was picking up my husband of 15 months belongings at the hospital because of his passing. After  we went to the hospital, we drove through Sardine Canyon over to mine and Jonathan's home in Hyrum to pick up some clothes and things for the coming days since I had not taken anything with me when I went to the hospital the day before. I remember driving through the canyon and all the leaves were turning colors and now to this day, fall is my least favorite season. It reminds me of that awful day in September of 2005. When we arrived at our home, there was news people and people from our ward there. The news people wanted to talk to me, but I wouldn't talk to them. I was not in any mood to talk anybody and especially the news about what has just happened in my life. I was still trying to take it all in, it still couldn't be real could it? How could I be a 22 year old widow, this is not how life was suppose to go.
After I gathered a few things and clothes from my house, my parents took me to Crandall Funeral Home in Kamas where I was to plan my husbands funeral. This was the hardest part of all for me, because it made it seem more real. Here I was picking out caskets and vaults that my husbands body would lie in in a cemetery. NO! I really should not be doing this at 22, this is what women at 70 do when they have lived a long good life with their spouse. At this point, I really didn't care about much because I felt like if I held off planning the funeral then it wouldn't seem real. After several hours of sitting there decided a funeral program, picking out caskets, and writing an obituary, the funeral was planned and this was all too real for me. I left the funeral home in tears wishing I could rewind my life backwards. The next stop was the local flower shop to pick out a casket spray, I just didn't have the energy or the willingness to do any of this or pick anything out, nor did I really care, so thanks to my good mom who helped me out on this day of having to pick things out for the day we would lay the love of my life to rest. After the flower shop, we headed back to my parents where phone call after phone call and meal after meal (which nobody wanted to eat anything) kept coming. I really was in a daze for the next few days and don't remember much about those days other then lots of people coming to offer their condolences.