Called Home

I guess you could say I ignored the promptings I had had all along about Jonathan dying young. Even having a strong prompting 2 months before his death, it still did not seem like it would really happen, because I didn't want him to die, so why would it happen if I didn't want it to happen! Wow, did I have a lot to learn! The Lord was just about to teach me some of the biggest lessons in my life!
This is not the easiest thing for me to do, but I need to do it. I have never wrote down the days events that took place the day Jonathan was called home. I think I have shared this day with a few people, but it was the worst day of my life. This day sticks out in my mind like it was yesterday, I remember almost everything about this day. It changed my earthly life forever.
Jonathan and I had crazy schedules with work and school. Jonathan had just started a new job shortly after coming home from his internship, he was working for a guy in Benson basically working as a farm hand. I was still working at CAL Ranch. Jonathan had I had just spent the weekend together at our home in Hyrum. Saturday night, we had ordered pizza and watched a movie together. Sunday, I had to work, so I went to work most of the day and Jonathan went to church. Monday, September 26, 2005 came, I got up pretty early that day because I had to be to work at 7:00 that morning. After work, I came home for lunch and Jonathan was also there to eat lunch because we both had to be back in Logan for classes. That was the first time I saw him that day because he was still asleep when I left for work, I am so so grateful for this little bit of time we got to spend together on this day. We ate lunch, and then Jonathan went out to work on his truck because the alternator was not working, before he had to head to class. I went out there with him, because we were just that way. We did everything together. As he was working on the truck, I was trying to joke around with him, but he just wasn't in the mood. I was taking it as he was a little mad, but I know he wasn't. He was just "somber" that day, I don't even know if it was "somber", but he was just quiet and a little different that day. I sometimes wonder if he had something on his mind or if he knew something. We talked a little as he worked on the truck, as much as I could get out of him, and then it was time for both of us to head to class. We said our goodbyes, kissed, and that was the last time I would see him full of life. He hopped on his motorcycle, I got in the car and we headed into Logan.
Jonathan had one class and then he would go straight to work after class, and I knew I wouldn't see him until later in the evening after he got off work. I had a couple classes, and then I was headed home after that for the night because I didn't have to go into work that day because I had worked that morning. I went to my classes, and when they were over I got into my car and headed home. That drive home turned into something I was not expecting on my way home. I had this strange feeling come over me that something was not right and that feeling stayed with me the entire evening until I found out what had happened. Keep in mind that Jonathan's accident happened while I was driving home, but I didn't know this at the time. As I was driving, a song came on the radio. The song was "If Tomorrow Never Comes" by Garth Brooks and I began to cry like a baby out of nowhere.

If Tomorrow Never Comes by Garth Brooks

Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay their in the dark

And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart

(CHORUS)

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way
To show her every day
That she's my only one

If my time on earth were through
And she must have the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

Cause I've lost love ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for the never were revealed

So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance
To tell her how I feel

(Repeat Chorus)

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

I couldn't figure out why I was crying, I thought maybe it was just because of the feelings I had been having. Well, I got home and tried to do some homework, but I just couldn't focus. My mind was somewhere else, but I couldn't figure out what the deal was. Things just didn't feel "right". I paced the house a lot that afternoon, not sure why I felt so weird inside. My phone started to ring, I looked at it and it was Jonathan's sister calling. I  thought she was just calling to let me know when she was going to come up because she was planning on coming up one day that week to help us find a health insurance plan that we could afford since we hadn't had health insurance since Jonathan started his internship. I answered the phone and she said to me, "Hey, did you hear about that accident?" I said, "What accident?" She proceeded to tell me that there was an accident of Utah State Ag students that were on a field trip and that 7 of them died instantly and that she was at work (she worked at McKay Dee Hospital in Ogden) and they were transporting some of the boys to the hospital she was working at. She asked me if Jonathan was going on a field trip that day. I told her not that I knew of. I knew that the class he had that day did go on field trips, but he had not said anything to me that they would be going on one that day. She told me she had tried to call him, but in rang a couple times and went to voice mail. She told me it was on KSL if I wanted to look at it. So, I told her I would try to call Jonathan and see if he had heard about it and make sure he was okay, because he should have been at work. I hung up the phone and immediately had a pit in my stomach. I just HAD to make sure he was okay. I got on the internet and looked up the story on KSL. It was the top headline. No names had been released, but the had mentioned that 7 were dead. I was just so so sick to my stomach. I called Jonathan's phone, went to voice mail. My first thought well maybe he is just working and can't hear it. No, I HAD to know. I called, and I called, and I called, and I called...NOTHING. No, this can't be happening. I called his sister back up, and told her I had tried him several times but every time it went to voice mail. I had told her that he should be at work. Well, there was only one sure way to find out if he was okay since he was not answering his phone. I told her I would drive up to the Ag building where his class was, and if his motorcycle was gone, I knew he was at work. If it was still there...well he probably was in that accident because he should have been to work a long time ago. I was so nervous, scared, and all the other emotions inside me at this time as I drive back into Logan to look in the parking lot of the Ag building. All I can remember about this drive was how big that pit in my stomach was and how nervous and scared I was, I just wanted that motorcycle to be gone out of the parking lot so that I could feel at peace. To be quite honest, I don't even know how I got to that Ag building that night, because I was shaking and in my heart I knew this was it. I still tried calling Jonathan's phone several times on my way there, hoping he would just pick up so I could call myself crazy and turn back around, but no he never did answer. I called Jonathan's sister right soon before I got to the Ag building and was talking to her as I pulled into the parking lot and as I am driving through I see no motorcycle, no motorcycle, no motorcycle...then...there it is at the end of the parking lot and I lost it. I tell her, "It's here." She tries to calm me down. At this point, I don't know where to turn. I know some are dead, but I don't know the status of Jonathan. His sister tried to stay positive and said "Well, let me see if I can call Bear River Hospital (where they first transported those that were still alive when medical responders got to the scene), and see if we can find out where he is." I hang up the phone, and I don't know where to go. I didn't have any close family up there, and I didn't want to be by myself because I would have made myself crazy with all the thoughts going through my head, plus the time waiting to find out where he was would have felt like hours sitting there by myself, and I was in no state of mind to be driving somewhere too far. So, I went to where I had made some close friends, my work. As I walked into my work, one of our assistant managers, Victoria, says, "what's wrong?" (I had been crying this entire time). I proceed to mumble out between my cries, what had just happened. She takes me into the break room and let me just scream and rant and cry and do whatever I was doing in there, while she just sat and listened. While I was in the break room, I decided I had better call my parents to tell them what has happened. Through my cries, I finally also managed to tell them what had just happened and that I was waiting for Jonathan's sister to call me back with any info. My mom tells me to call her as soon as I know something.
Finally, my phone rings with Jonathan's sister calling me back, hopefully with good news. She found out that he was at Bear River Hospital in Tremonton, so to head over there. Nobody wanted me driving myself, so Victoria offered to drive me over there. I called my mom back up to tell her he was at Bear River Hospital and I was headed over there. She said they were leaving right now and they were on their way. At this point, I had a slight bit of relief that maybe he was okay, but I was still worried sick. Not long after I talked to my mom, Jonathan's sister calls me again and says, I just found out they are life flighting him from Bear River to the U of U in Salt Lake City. NO....this can't be happening. That slight bit of relief I had left me, this must be serious. I knew he was not going to make it, but I still was having faith. Jonathan's sister didn't want me driving by myself, and so she arranged to have a friend named Ben they grew up with in Peoa that was going to Utah State come and get me to drive me down to the hospital in Salt Lake. I knew this friend of theirs, but not really well, so him and his wife come and get me to take me to the hospital. I was so grateful! So, I again called my mom to tell her not to go to Bear River to go to Salt Lake to the U of U. She said they were already in Salt Lake, so they got off the freeway and headed over to the hospital. I knew that Jonathan's parents and my parents would get to the hospital before me because I had a lot farther to drive. 
That drive down to the hospital was the longest drive EVER from Logan to Salt Lake. So many things were running through my mind, everything from fear, to everything will be okay. The drive was very quiet, I am sure these friends of the Jorgensens didn't know what to say to me in this awkward time of not knowing how things will turn out. I called my mom a few times on the way down to see if she knew anything yet. She kept telling me that the doctors didn't want to release any information until I got there, so they kept asking how close I was etc. Jonathan's mom was pretty adimint about finding out what was going on with her son, so the doctor's finally gave in and told my family and his family that he had passed before I had even got to the hospital. That has been very hard for me that they all found out before me, but there is not much I can do about it, and I am sure there is a lesson to be learned although, I haven't learned it yet! 
Anyway, I called my mom when I got pretty close to the hospital, and I could tell something was wrong (she had already been told he had passed). She wouldn't tell me what was wrong though, but she started crying and this was when I knew that he was not going to make it, and I said to her, "He is not going to make it is he mom," and she said, "I don't think so." I told her I was here and Ben and his wife dropped me off at the front doors of the emergency room. My dad and brother were waiting outside the doors for me, both in tears, and seeing my brother in tears reassured me things were not good. I got out of the car, walked to my dad and brother and started sobbing uncontrollably and fell to the floor...I don't remember much after this. I was told my dad and brother carried me into the hospital. The next thing I remember was I was standing in the hall talking to the doctors and nurses. They began to tell me all his injuries and that they tried everything they could to keep him alive, that he was a fighter, but that he didn't make it (that was all that I really remember that they told me). The next thing I remember was a lady having me sign about 15 pages of documents, then they took me into a big room where Jonathan's family and my family were. They also brought lots of drinks and snacks to us that did not look or appetizing at all! They brought in social workers for us to talk to if needed. I was finally able to go see Jonathan and spend our last time together on this earth. I just laid on his chest and sobbed and sobbed thinking this can't be real, he is going to jump out of this bed any minute. I screamed in that room, I sobbed, I said you can't do this to me...After spending who knows how long with him, I went back to the big room and there was so many family and friends that had showed up by now. I don't even remember half of who came that night to show their love and support to both my family and Jonathan's family. It got late into the next morning when we finally decided to go home because sitting at the hospital was not going to change the circumstances. We called the mortuary to come get his body, I said my goodbyes, and headed home to my parents house. I didn't sleep that night (or several nights following the accident), I cried a lot, I was angry, I was sad, I was worried, I didn't know how I could go on in life, why would God do this to me, I had just started my life, I didn't ask for this...How can I do this?

Lava Hot Springs

The weekend we spent in Lava Hot Springs over Labor Day weekend in September 2005, was one of my fondest memories I have before Jonathan's passing. Maybe that is because of my dad and taking all the photos he did, and once again, I am so grateful to my pops for taking all the photos he did during the time Jonathan and I were married. My family has done a Labor Day weekend outing for as long as I can remember. This outing includes my whole dad's side of the family. We always have a good time, this weekend was no different. Jonathan and I camped with my immediate family in a campground next to the river.

We had a great time in Lava. From floating the river, to swimming, to the hot pots, and eating yummy food. There are a few things about this trip though that I absolutely love and will never forget. First was as Jonathan floated the river he was wearing his cowboy hat! This is one of my favorite pictures of him because that is just so Jonathan.

Also, as we were floating the river, we all decided to put in at a higher spot in the river and come off a small waterfall. We all went down it just fine, but I don't know what happened to Jonathan, but as he came down the fall, he slammed his shoulder right in to a huge rock that was sticking out. He got scraped up pretty good and was bleeding, but he never complained about it. That incident left a pretty good bruise too! Another thing that I remember and this goes to show just what kind of a person he was, but as we were floating the river, I fell out of my tube and couldn't get back on because the water was pretty swift and fast where I had fallen off, so I tried walking to the edge but because it was moving so quickly, I couldn't walk very good without losing my footing. So, I just stood there for awhile trying to decide what to do. Jonathan was up ahead of me at this point and my aunt had passed me and saw that I was struggling to get back on, so when she got to the point where you got out of the river, which was also right by where we were camping, she told Jonathan I had fallen off and couldn't get back on. So, that sweet hubby of mine got on a bike we had in our camp and rode down the side of the river to come help me get out!

Last thing that I really remember about this trip, that we still laugh about today, is on Sunday while we were in Lava my family decided they were going to go to church. Growing up we rarely went to church on Sunday when we were on vacation, so I had told Jonathan he didn't need to bring church clothes because we were on vacation. Well, my family decided to go for some reason this particular weekend. Jonathan and I did not have church clothes so we went in our shorts and shirts, but the shirt Jonathan wore was what me and my sister referred to as his "marijuana shirt". It had these green leaves on it that looked like marijuana leaves, so still laugh that he had his "marijuana shirt" on in church.

St. George

The last few weeks before Jonathan passed stick out in my mind the most out of the whole 15 months we were married. I don't know if that is because I cherish those last few moments spent together or if some of it has to do with the regret I have, wishing I had done things different, said things different, etc. Regardless, those first few weeks of September 2005 stick out in my mind the most. I can remember conversations and a lot of things we did.
One of those things that sticks out in my mind was the girls weekend I spent in St. George with my sister and Jonathan's sisters. We really did have a lot of fun! Jonathan's older sister had just moved down there to start a new job, and so his other sister planned a girls weekend for us all to go down and visit her and we took my little sister with us. We had fun shopping for a Homecoming dress for my sister, we went to the Shedaisy concert, and Jonathan's oldest sister spoiled me by paying for most everything because she knew I was a poor married college student.
This may sound a little funny to most, but I think it was all part of the Lord preparing me for what was to happen in just a few short weeks. I really did have a lot of fun on this trip, but I missed Jonathan terribly! I thought about him the entire time we were in St. George and just prayed that he would be safe while I was gone, I literally thought in my mind please do not let him die this weekend while I am away. I can't handle that! I was so excited when we were finally headed home so that I could see him. I think part of the reason I hated being away from him was because of the feelings I had been having of him dying soon, I hated being away from him. I felt like if we were together nothing could happen to him because I could protect him, or so that was my thinking in my young immature mind. Hurricane Katrina had just hit New Orleans right before we took this girls trip to St. George and for some reason I could not stop thinking about it while we were there and how sad it was, and all the people that lost their lives and what their families must be going through. As sad as this is to say, it was probably one of the first times I felt a little bit of sympathy for someone for going through such a tragedy. The Lord was gradually breaking my hard heart down because he knew I needed it!

New Motorcycle

Jonathan returned home from his internship a few short weeks later after our little visit up to see him. I was SO SO SO happy and also a bit relieved (remember my experience walking to class in July). The intense feeling of him dying was not as strong anymore because I finally felt like he was home safe. We started school back up for our second year at Utah State at the end of August 2005, and Jonathan got this crazy idea that he wanted to buy a motorcycle. Because of the feelings I had been having, I didn't want him to get it. I didn't tell him I had had these feelings, but I did everything in my power to convince him out of buying the dang motorcycle. Well, he did more of the convincing on his end and I gave in and he got one. His cousins father-in-law owned a Artic Cat dealership up in Preston Idaho, so he went up there one day and came home with a new motorcycle. I was so sure that this was where all my feelings about him dying were coming from. I was so positive that he was going to lose his life on that motorcycle. The intense feeling of him dying started back up and I felt like it was a matter of time on that thing...