Funeral

I woke up early the morning of the funeral to more throwing up (keep in mind I still had not ate anything, only drank a little here and there. I just couldn't eat, it made me sick to even think aobut it). My sister also woke up not feeling well that morning either. My mom was really worried about me becuase I was throwing up and didn't have anything really in my system to throw up. So, she called my aunt who is a nurse practioner to see what she thought. My aunt told my mom I needed to at least get some electrolytes in my system and that she would bring this shot that would help hydrate me and get me to quit throwing up. So, my mom pumped me full of Propel that morning before we headed up to the funeral.

I headed up to the funeral with my parents that morning. We were having an hour long viewing before the funeral started and during the viewing, my aunt showed up with the shot. I left the line and went with her into the bathroom where she gave me the shot. There were several people in the bathroom, with looks on their faces wondering what was going on. Later one of those people in the bathroom asked Jonathan's family if I was okay because they saw me getting a shot in the bathroom? Makes us laugh now, but at the time I didn't think anything of it becuase I literally was not with life mentally.

Thanks to my aunt, I made it through the funeral day without throwing up and was even able to eat at the luncheon after we went to the cemetery.

Just like most of my memories of that week, I don't remember a lot of the funeral or what was said. The thing that I remember most was that we took Jonathan's casket by "horse and buggy" to the cemetery instead of in the hearse. We had his horse Sassy sadled and walking along the side. Jonathan's mom thought this would be the way he would want to go, so that's what we did. My grandpa Pedersen dedicated his grave (he was also the one that sealed us in the temple) and we went back to the church for a luncheon. 

My sister was not feeling well that day and sletp in the Primary room while the luncheon was going on. Maybe she should have got one of those shots too!

After the luncheon and the funeral, I became really emotional that night after I had got home and had time to actually think. I think the funeral really made me realize that I wasn't going to see him again and that my life really did just drastically change and I was left there to pick up the pieces of the unknown...

Summer

This time of year is a little bittersweet for me. It's rodeo season, and rodeos were something Jonathan and I attended quite often together. I love to go watch them, but they are a little bittersweet for me because I am often reminded once again that it was something we did and he is not with doing that anymore. I am glad that my daughter loves to wear her "cowgirl boots" and go to rodeos because it reminds me of the good times. We went to Yellowstone over the fourth of July and it was also another bittersweet time for me because the drive to the Idaho Falls/Rigby area and the Driggs area remind of of Jonathan becuase we spent a good portion of our married life there with going to see his grandma in Rigby and him doing his internship in Tetonia which is near Driggs, so I can't help to think about those time when I am in those areas. I have to give props to men that marry widows because widows come with a lot of emotional baggage. Life is never quite "normal" for a widow but we can still make the most of life and enjoy it!

Viewing

The days in between the accident and the funeral/viewing were all a blur. All I really remember was all the many people that came over, and all the people that called, and all the food that was brought. Some of the people I remember, others I don't. I think in my brain, I was still trying to process the events that had just taken place in my life. Here I was left a 22 year old widow, literally thinking my life had just ended and how could this have really just happened. I was hoping I would still just wake up from a horrible nightmare and this wasn't all really happening.

The night of the viewing was really long. The viewing was held at Jonathan's parents church in Oakley. My brother had made a video of Jonathan's life that we played for the people standing in line. We also had some tables with things displayed that depicted  Jonathan's life. I believe his mom had put all the displays together, because I am not really sure who did all of that. I think by the night of the viewing I was pretty much cried out. I don't think I had another drop of water in me to even cry out at this point. So many people came to the viewing, people I knew, people I didn't, people I didn't even think would have known about the accident even showed up. This guy by the name of Juan Franco from Utah State came to the viewing and offered his condolences on behalf of the University. He then gave me an honorary diploma that had Jonathan's name on it, and when he gave me that I lost it, I thought I didn't have anything left in my to cry out, but the tears came from somewhere. I later found out that the University had given each of the families involved in the accident who lost loved ones an honorary diploma. I thought that was really neat of them to do.

By the end of the night I was exhausted. (Keep in mind I still had not ate anything since the night of the accident, so I was going on 3 days of not eating, and I had only drank small amounts of water at this point.) I think Jonathan's parents ward Relief Society (or somebody) had brought some food in for the family to eat after the viewing. After the viewing we were all sitting around talking for a bit, some people were eating. My mom told me I should go eat something, I of course told her I didn't feel like eating, which was the honest truth. I had not had any sort of an appetite for days now. Jonathan's sister thought I needed to eat too, so she brought me in a sandwich, I took one look at it and got really nauseous and told her to get it out of here before I throw up. She took it out and then I got really light headed and had to sit down because I felt like I was going to pass out. I am sure just being on my feet all night and not having anything to eat for 3 days caused me to feel that way, but I didn't think about it that way that night.

My parents, my sister in law, and myself headed back home for the night from the viewing. We had to go through Parley's canyon (which takes longer to get to my parents) on the way home instead of through Provo canyon because they were doing construction in Provo canyon, so it was closed at nights. I tried to get some rest on the drive home because I knew the next day was going to be a long day, and I hadn't slept or ate in a few days. Just as we were about out of Parley's canyon and ready to get on I-215, all the sudden I had the feeling like I was going to throw up come on. I hurry and said to my dad who was driving that he needed to pull over becuase I was going to throw up. He asked if I could wait until the exit, and at first I told him yes, but then I said no I need to right now, and right after I got those words out, I threw up all over in the car and all over myself and my sister in law in the back seat. I didn't think twice about it that night, but now that I look back on it, I feel really bad that my poor parents and sister in law had to ride in a stinky throw up car the rest of the way home, but never once did I hear any of them say that it stunk or anything!

I came home and showered that night, while I think my poor mother probably cleaned out the car, because I know I didn't. I went to bed, and that night was the first night I actually was able to fall asleep and stay asleep for a few hours for the first time in a few days.

Signs

So, I like to sometimes think Jonathan sends me little signs from heaven so that I know it's him. I mentioned previously that the day of Jonathan's accident, as I was driving home the song, "If Tomorrow Never Comes" by Garth Brooks came on the radio and I burst into tears. I felt like that was Jonathan telling me something then that he wouldn't be able to communicate with me any other way, and that's just how I feel about it to this day, whether that is really what it was or not. Anyway, yesterday which would have marked our 10 year anniversary as I was going about my day, I was driving in the car and that same song came on. I thought it was ironic, and in my head, I couldn't help but think maybe that was a little sign from him letting me know he was thinking about me! Love little signs like that when sometimes those days can be hard.

Happy Anniversary

Today would have marked mine and Jonathan's 10th anniversary! Days like today are harder than others but I want to wish that amazing man in heaven a Happy 10th Anniversary! Love you Jonathan!

Dark Days...

I don't remember a lot about the following days after Jonathan's passing. Bits and pieces stick out in my mind, but it was mostly a blur. The day after his passing, my brother who was serving a mission in Germany was able to call us early that next morning. I don't remember what we talked about, but I do remember that call and I was grateful that I could talk to him since he would not be able to attend the funeral. Also, that same day, my parents took me up to Bear River Hospital to pick up Jonathan's belongings that they had there, which includes his boots, clothes, wallet, and cell phone. I remember as they handed me his things in a bag, I just started sobbing, was this really true that I was picking up my husband of 15 months belongings at the hospital because of his passing. After  we went to the hospital, we drove through Sardine Canyon over to mine and Jonathan's home in Hyrum to pick up some clothes and things for the coming days since I had not taken anything with me when I went to the hospital the day before. I remember driving through the canyon and all the leaves were turning colors and now to this day, fall is my least favorite season. It reminds me of that awful day in September of 2005. When we arrived at our home, there was news people and people from our ward there. The news people wanted to talk to me, but I wouldn't talk to them. I was not in any mood to talk anybody and especially the news about what has just happened in my life. I was still trying to take it all in, it still couldn't be real could it? How could I be a 22 year old widow, this is not how life was suppose to go.
After I gathered a few things and clothes from my house, my parents took me to Crandall Funeral Home in Kamas where I was to plan my husbands funeral. This was the hardest part of all for me, because it made it seem more real. Here I was picking out caskets and vaults that my husbands body would lie in in a cemetery. NO! I really should not be doing this at 22, this is what women at 70 do when they have lived a long good life with their spouse. At this point, I really didn't care about much because I felt like if I held off planning the funeral then it wouldn't seem real. After several hours of sitting there decided a funeral program, picking out caskets, and writing an obituary, the funeral was planned and this was all too real for me. I left the funeral home in tears wishing I could rewind my life backwards. The next stop was the local flower shop to pick out a casket spray, I just didn't have the energy or the willingness to do any of this or pick anything out, nor did I really care, so thanks to my good mom who helped me out on this day of having to pick things out for the day we would lay the love of my life to rest. After the flower shop, we headed back to my parents where phone call after phone call and meal after meal (which nobody wanted to eat anything) kept coming. I really was in a daze for the next few days and don't remember much about those days other then lots of people coming to offer their condolences.

Called Home

I guess you could say I ignored the promptings I had had all along about Jonathan dying young. Even having a strong prompting 2 months before his death, it still did not seem like it would really happen, because I didn't want him to die, so why would it happen if I didn't want it to happen! Wow, did I have a lot to learn! The Lord was just about to teach me some of the biggest lessons in my life!
This is not the easiest thing for me to do, but I need to do it. I have never wrote down the days events that took place the day Jonathan was called home. I think I have shared this day with a few people, but it was the worst day of my life. This day sticks out in my mind like it was yesterday, I remember almost everything about this day. It changed my earthly life forever.
Jonathan and I had crazy schedules with work and school. Jonathan had just started a new job shortly after coming home from his internship, he was working for a guy in Benson basically working as a farm hand. I was still working at CAL Ranch. Jonathan had I had just spent the weekend together at our home in Hyrum. Saturday night, we had ordered pizza and watched a movie together. Sunday, I had to work, so I went to work most of the day and Jonathan went to church. Monday, September 26, 2005 came, I got up pretty early that day because I had to be to work at 7:00 that morning. After work, I came home for lunch and Jonathan was also there to eat lunch because we both had to be back in Logan for classes. That was the first time I saw him that day because he was still asleep when I left for work, I am so so grateful for this little bit of time we got to spend together on this day. We ate lunch, and then Jonathan went out to work on his truck because the alternator was not working, before he had to head to class. I went out there with him, because we were just that way. We did everything together. As he was working on the truck, I was trying to joke around with him, but he just wasn't in the mood. I was taking it as he was a little mad, but I know he wasn't. He was just "somber" that day, I don't even know if it was "somber", but he was just quiet and a little different that day. I sometimes wonder if he had something on his mind or if he knew something. We talked a little as he worked on the truck, as much as I could get out of him, and then it was time for both of us to head to class. We said our goodbyes, kissed, and that was the last time I would see him full of life. He hopped on his motorcycle, I got in the car and we headed into Logan.
Jonathan had one class and then he would go straight to work after class, and I knew I wouldn't see him until later in the evening after he got off work. I had a couple classes, and then I was headed home after that for the night because I didn't have to go into work that day because I had worked that morning. I went to my classes, and when they were over I got into my car and headed home. That drive home turned into something I was not expecting on my way home. I had this strange feeling come over me that something was not right and that feeling stayed with me the entire evening until I found out what had happened. Keep in mind that Jonathan's accident happened while I was driving home, but I didn't know this at the time. As I was driving, a song came on the radio. The song was "If Tomorrow Never Comes" by Garth Brooks and I began to cry like a baby out of nowhere.

If Tomorrow Never Comes by Garth Brooks

Sometimes late at night
I lie awake and watch her sleeping
She's lost in peaceful dreams
So I turn out the lights and lay their in the dark

And the thought crosses my mind
If I never wake up in the morning
Would she ever doubt the way I feel
About her in my heart

(CHORUS)

If tomorrow never comes
Will she know how much I loved her
Did I try in every way
To show her every day
That she's my only one

If my time on earth were through
And she must have the world without me
Is the love I gave her in the past
Gonna be enough to last
If tomorrow never comes

Cause I've lost love ones in my life
Who never knew how much I loved them
Now I live with the regret
That my true feelings for the never were revealed

So I made a promise to myself
To say each day how much she means to me
And avoid that circumstance
Where there's no second chance
To tell her how I feel

(Repeat Chorus)

So tell that someone that you love
Just what you're thinking of
If tomorrow never comes

I couldn't figure out why I was crying, I thought maybe it was just because of the feelings I had been having. Well, I got home and tried to do some homework, but I just couldn't focus. My mind was somewhere else, but I couldn't figure out what the deal was. Things just didn't feel "right". I paced the house a lot that afternoon, not sure why I felt so weird inside. My phone started to ring, I looked at it and it was Jonathan's sister calling. I  thought she was just calling to let me know when she was going to come up because she was planning on coming up one day that week to help us find a health insurance plan that we could afford since we hadn't had health insurance since Jonathan started his internship. I answered the phone and she said to me, "Hey, did you hear about that accident?" I said, "What accident?" She proceeded to tell me that there was an accident of Utah State Ag students that were on a field trip and that 7 of them died instantly and that she was at work (she worked at McKay Dee Hospital in Ogden) and they were transporting some of the boys to the hospital she was working at. She asked me if Jonathan was going on a field trip that day. I told her not that I knew of. I knew that the class he had that day did go on field trips, but he had not said anything to me that they would be going on one that day. She told me she had tried to call him, but in rang a couple times and went to voice mail. She told me it was on KSL if I wanted to look at it. So, I told her I would try to call Jonathan and see if he had heard about it and make sure he was okay, because he should have been at work. I hung up the phone and immediately had a pit in my stomach. I just HAD to make sure he was okay. I got on the internet and looked up the story on KSL. It was the top headline. No names had been released, but the had mentioned that 7 were dead. I was just so so sick to my stomach. I called Jonathan's phone, went to voice mail. My first thought well maybe he is just working and can't hear it. No, I HAD to know. I called, and I called, and I called, and I called...NOTHING. No, this can't be happening. I called his sister back up, and told her I had tried him several times but every time it went to voice mail. I had told her that he should be at work. Well, there was only one sure way to find out if he was okay since he was not answering his phone. I told her I would drive up to the Ag building where his class was, and if his motorcycle was gone, I knew he was at work. If it was still there...well he probably was in that accident because he should have been to work a long time ago. I was so nervous, scared, and all the other emotions inside me at this time as I drive back into Logan to look in the parking lot of the Ag building. All I can remember about this drive was how big that pit in my stomach was and how nervous and scared I was, I just wanted that motorcycle to be gone out of the parking lot so that I could feel at peace. To be quite honest, I don't even know how I got to that Ag building that night, because I was shaking and in my heart I knew this was it. I still tried calling Jonathan's phone several times on my way there, hoping he would just pick up so I could call myself crazy and turn back around, but no he never did answer. I called Jonathan's sister right soon before I got to the Ag building and was talking to her as I pulled into the parking lot and as I am driving through I see no motorcycle, no motorcycle, no motorcycle...then...there it is at the end of the parking lot and I lost it. I tell her, "It's here." She tries to calm me down. At this point, I don't know where to turn. I know some are dead, but I don't know the status of Jonathan. His sister tried to stay positive and said "Well, let me see if I can call Bear River Hospital (where they first transported those that were still alive when medical responders got to the scene), and see if we can find out where he is." I hang up the phone, and I don't know where to go. I didn't have any close family up there, and I didn't want to be by myself because I would have made myself crazy with all the thoughts going through my head, plus the time waiting to find out where he was would have felt like hours sitting there by myself, and I was in no state of mind to be driving somewhere too far. So, I went to where I had made some close friends, my work. As I walked into my work, one of our assistant managers, Victoria, says, "what's wrong?" (I had been crying this entire time). I proceed to mumble out between my cries, what had just happened. She takes me into the break room and let me just scream and rant and cry and do whatever I was doing in there, while she just sat and listened. While I was in the break room, I decided I had better call my parents to tell them what has happened. Through my cries, I finally also managed to tell them what had just happened and that I was waiting for Jonathan's sister to call me back with any info. My mom tells me to call her as soon as I know something.
Finally, my phone rings with Jonathan's sister calling me back, hopefully with good news. She found out that he was at Bear River Hospital in Tremonton, so to head over there. Nobody wanted me driving myself, so Victoria offered to drive me over there. I called my mom back up to tell her he was at Bear River Hospital and I was headed over there. She said they were leaving right now and they were on their way. At this point, I had a slight bit of relief that maybe he was okay, but I was still worried sick. Not long after I talked to my mom, Jonathan's sister calls me again and says, I just found out they are life flighting him from Bear River to the U of U in Salt Lake City. NO....this can't be happening. That slight bit of relief I had left me, this must be serious. I knew he was not going to make it, but I still was having faith. Jonathan's sister didn't want me driving by myself, and so she arranged to have a friend named Ben they grew up with in Peoa that was going to Utah State come and get me to drive me down to the hospital in Salt Lake. I knew this friend of theirs, but not really well, so him and his wife come and get me to take me to the hospital. I was so grateful! So, I again called my mom to tell her not to go to Bear River to go to Salt Lake to the U of U. She said they were already in Salt Lake, so they got off the freeway and headed over to the hospital. I knew that Jonathan's parents and my parents would get to the hospital before me because I had a lot farther to drive. 
That drive down to the hospital was the longest drive EVER from Logan to Salt Lake. So many things were running through my mind, everything from fear, to everything will be okay. The drive was very quiet, I am sure these friends of the Jorgensens didn't know what to say to me in this awkward time of not knowing how things will turn out. I called my mom a few times on the way down to see if she knew anything yet. She kept telling me that the doctors didn't want to release any information until I got there, so they kept asking how close I was etc. Jonathan's mom was pretty adimint about finding out what was going on with her son, so the doctor's finally gave in and told my family and his family that he had passed before I had even got to the hospital. That has been very hard for me that they all found out before me, but there is not much I can do about it, and I am sure there is a lesson to be learned although, I haven't learned it yet! 
Anyway, I called my mom when I got pretty close to the hospital, and I could tell something was wrong (she had already been told he had passed). She wouldn't tell me what was wrong though, but she started crying and this was when I knew that he was not going to make it, and I said to her, "He is not going to make it is he mom," and she said, "I don't think so." I told her I was here and Ben and his wife dropped me off at the front doors of the emergency room. My dad and brother were waiting outside the doors for me, both in tears, and seeing my brother in tears reassured me things were not good. I got out of the car, walked to my dad and brother and started sobbing uncontrollably and fell to the floor...I don't remember much after this. I was told my dad and brother carried me into the hospital. The next thing I remember was I was standing in the hall talking to the doctors and nurses. They began to tell me all his injuries and that they tried everything they could to keep him alive, that he was a fighter, but that he didn't make it (that was all that I really remember that they told me). The next thing I remember was a lady having me sign about 15 pages of documents, then they took me into a big room where Jonathan's family and my family were. They also brought lots of drinks and snacks to us that did not look or appetizing at all! They brought in social workers for us to talk to if needed. I was finally able to go see Jonathan and spend our last time together on this earth. I just laid on his chest and sobbed and sobbed thinking this can't be real, he is going to jump out of this bed any minute. I screamed in that room, I sobbed, I said you can't do this to me...After spending who knows how long with him, I went back to the big room and there was so many family and friends that had showed up by now. I don't even remember half of who came that night to show their love and support to both my family and Jonathan's family. It got late into the next morning when we finally decided to go home because sitting at the hospital was not going to change the circumstances. We called the mortuary to come get his body, I said my goodbyes, and headed home to my parents house. I didn't sleep that night (or several nights following the accident), I cried a lot, I was angry, I was sad, I was worried, I didn't know how I could go on in life, why would God do this to me, I had just started my life, I didn't ask for this...How can I do this?

Lava Hot Springs

The weekend we spent in Lava Hot Springs over Labor Day weekend in September 2005, was one of my fondest memories I have before Jonathan's passing. Maybe that is because of my dad and taking all the photos he did, and once again, I am so grateful to my pops for taking all the photos he did during the time Jonathan and I were married. My family has done a Labor Day weekend outing for as long as I can remember. This outing includes my whole dad's side of the family. We always have a good time, this weekend was no different. Jonathan and I camped with my immediate family in a campground next to the river.

We had a great time in Lava. From floating the river, to swimming, to the hot pots, and eating yummy food. There are a few things about this trip though that I absolutely love and will never forget. First was as Jonathan floated the river he was wearing his cowboy hat! This is one of my favorite pictures of him because that is just so Jonathan.

Also, as we were floating the river, we all decided to put in at a higher spot in the river and come off a small waterfall. We all went down it just fine, but I don't know what happened to Jonathan, but as he came down the fall, he slammed his shoulder right in to a huge rock that was sticking out. He got scraped up pretty good and was bleeding, but he never complained about it. That incident left a pretty good bruise too! Another thing that I remember and this goes to show just what kind of a person he was, but as we were floating the river, I fell out of my tube and couldn't get back on because the water was pretty swift and fast where I had fallen off, so I tried walking to the edge but because it was moving so quickly, I couldn't walk very good without losing my footing. So, I just stood there for awhile trying to decide what to do. Jonathan was up ahead of me at this point and my aunt had passed me and saw that I was struggling to get back on, so when she got to the point where you got out of the river, which was also right by where we were camping, she told Jonathan I had fallen off and couldn't get back on. So, that sweet hubby of mine got on a bike we had in our camp and rode down the side of the river to come help me get out!

Last thing that I really remember about this trip, that we still laugh about today, is on Sunday while we were in Lava my family decided they were going to go to church. Growing up we rarely went to church on Sunday when we were on vacation, so I had told Jonathan he didn't need to bring church clothes because we were on vacation. Well, my family decided to go for some reason this particular weekend. Jonathan and I did not have church clothes so we went in our shorts and shirts, but the shirt Jonathan wore was what me and my sister referred to as his "marijuana shirt". It had these green leaves on it that looked like marijuana leaves, so still laugh that he had his "marijuana shirt" on in church.

St. George

The last few weeks before Jonathan passed stick out in my mind the most out of the whole 15 months we were married. I don't know if that is because I cherish those last few moments spent together or if some of it has to do with the regret I have, wishing I had done things different, said things different, etc. Regardless, those first few weeks of September 2005 stick out in my mind the most. I can remember conversations and a lot of things we did.
One of those things that sticks out in my mind was the girls weekend I spent in St. George with my sister and Jonathan's sisters. We really did have a lot of fun! Jonathan's older sister had just moved down there to start a new job, and so his other sister planned a girls weekend for us all to go down and visit her and we took my little sister with us. We had fun shopping for a Homecoming dress for my sister, we went to the Shedaisy concert, and Jonathan's oldest sister spoiled me by paying for most everything because she knew I was a poor married college student.
This may sound a little funny to most, but I think it was all part of the Lord preparing me for what was to happen in just a few short weeks. I really did have a lot of fun on this trip, but I missed Jonathan terribly! I thought about him the entire time we were in St. George and just prayed that he would be safe while I was gone, I literally thought in my mind please do not let him die this weekend while I am away. I can't handle that! I was so excited when we were finally headed home so that I could see him. I think part of the reason I hated being away from him was because of the feelings I had been having of him dying soon, I hated being away from him. I felt like if we were together nothing could happen to him because I could protect him, or so that was my thinking in my young immature mind. Hurricane Katrina had just hit New Orleans right before we took this girls trip to St. George and for some reason I could not stop thinking about it while we were there and how sad it was, and all the people that lost their lives and what their families must be going through. As sad as this is to say, it was probably one of the first times I felt a little bit of sympathy for someone for going through such a tragedy. The Lord was gradually breaking my hard heart down because he knew I needed it!

New Motorcycle

Jonathan returned home from his internship a few short weeks later after our little visit up to see him. I was SO SO SO happy and also a bit relieved (remember my experience walking to class in July). The intense feeling of him dying was not as strong anymore because I finally felt like he was home safe. We started school back up for our second year at Utah State at the end of August 2005, and Jonathan got this crazy idea that he wanted to buy a motorcycle. Because of the feelings I had been having, I didn't want him to get it. I didn't tell him I had had these feelings, but I did everything in my power to convince him out of buying the dang motorcycle. Well, he did more of the convincing on his end and I gave in and he got one. His cousins father-in-law owned a Artic Cat dealership up in Preston Idaho, so he went up there one day and came home with a new motorcycle. I was so sure that this was where all my feelings about him dying were coming from. I was so positive that he was going to lose his life on that motorcycle. The intense feeling of him dying started back up and I felt like it was a matter of time on that thing...

Tetons

My parents wanted to come see where Jonathan was doing his internship in Idaho and see the Tetons, so, a few weeks before his internship was over, my parents came and picked me up and we headed up there for the weekend to spend some time in that area up there.
This little "vacation" was super memorable for me. I don't know if it was because it was one of the last fun things we did together before his passing or what, but I loved every minute of this vacation. I thank my dad for taking all the pics he did while we were there because they are some of my favorites and since I was horrible at taking any photos while we were married, any picture I do have I am so grateful for!
We stayed at the closest KOA while we were there and Jonathan came and spent the nights with us too at the KOA. We spend one day at the Teton resort and driving around the Tetons because they were fairly close to where Jonathan was working. That same day, Jonathan showed my parents around where he worked we checked out the area of Tetonia (that was the name of the town he was working in). It was so pretty up there!
The next day, we went over to Jackson Hole because it was only a few hours away and spent the day there shopping and looking around. That night my parents took us to the Bar J Wrangler show. Jonathan loved the Bar J Wranglers, he always talked about them and talked about how we needed to go see them together, so I was so grateful to my parents for taking us and giving us that opportunity together that wouldn't have done otherwise in that short time we had together. The show was super fun as always! It was my second time seeing the Bar J Wranglers, the first time I saw them, I was pretty young and don't remember much. Jonathan had seen them several times. He went and saw them a few times at the Cowboy Poetry gathering in Heber every year.
It was such a relaxing and enjoyable weekend together, I didn't know in only about a month and a half I wouldn't get to spend time like this together again...
Jackson Hole

 Tetons

Pete

Before I move on, I can't forget about Pete! Pete was our pet. He was half longhorn. Jonathan use to do a few things like take semen back and forth from Logan to Lehi for this guy that owned some longhorn's that lived in Lehi. So, as payment Jonathan asked him he could have Pete because the guy raised longhorn's and Pete was a little mishap and only half longhorn. Pete was super friendly, wel loved that little dude! Jonathan was determined to train Pete so that he could ride him! Jonathan didn't get to spend as much time as he would have liked to training Pete, but he sure thought Pete was pretty cool.
After Jonathan died, Pete hat a little mishap up at Jonathan's parents house. Somehow, he got his horn stuck in the fence and when he pulled it out, the outer part of his horn ripped off. I brought him up to Connie's house (the girl I lived with after Jonathan died) to try to take care of him and help the his horn heal. I took him to the vet and the vet gave me some things to do to try to help, but basically told me it will be hard to heal. I took care of his horn for a few weeks. He was really big at this point and didn't like me dumping the solution on his horn that the vet had given me. I think it probably didn't feel real good either. He was too big for me to handle and I never knew where he might jab those horns, so after a few weeks of no real healing and him basically running away when he saw me come out to clean up his horn, I decided it was best for Pete to move on to bigger and better things. Hopefully Jonathan has trained Pete by now, so that when I get up there I can actually see him riding him! :) So, Pete moved on to the next life and some may think I am a bid morbid for doing this, but I had Pete skinned and had his hide tanned. I think at the time, it was all part of my healing process, I needed anything that was associated with Jonathan with me because it reminded me of him. It really isn't that morbid, animals hides are tanned all the time and used as rugs, mine was just my pet! He sure is pretty though!
I wish I could find a picture of Pete to share! I am in the process of trying to sell my house, and am hoping when I go through everything I can find a picture of Pete.

First Anniversary

We celebrated our first anniversary that summer that Jonathan was doing his internship on June 24, 2005. We celebrated our anniversary before I had that powerful experience walking to class in July. We both took some time off work and headed to Palisades lake in Idaho. Jonathan's uncle had a cabin there and lent it to us for a few days. We took some tubes and floated around on the lake, ate yummy food, and literally just relaxed because we had both been so busy working and going to school for me, that it was just so nice to get away and be with each other for more than just a weekend. I really missed him this summer that he was gone. It was the best first anniversary, we both loved spending time alone away from everyday life and just get to know each other better. If somebody would have told me this would have been my first and my last anniversary with Jonathan, I would have thought they were crazy! After that anniversary, I was looking forward to so many more anniversaries with him. I couldn't get enough of him!
 I could kick myself so hard for not taking more pictures when Jonathan and I were married. We don't have any photos from our only anniversary, and it makes me super sad. Most of the photos I share on here, my parents probably took. I thank my dad for being on top of taking pictures and that I do have the photos that he had taken! You bet after going through the loss of Jonathan and all my regret, I am the crazy photo person now! I try not to miss a thing because you never know what may happen in life and a picture may be the only memory you have.

You Want to do What?

Jonathan and I had a wonderful life together. It was too short, but we learned so much about each other and our hopes and dreams in that short period of time. Our lives at the time we were attending Utah State consisted of mostly working and going to school. Not much other than that. We never really did anything exciting because we were poor married college students. The most excitement that went on in our lives was going to visit families occasionally on the weekends. I loved that time we would spend driving in the car though to visit family, it gave us the chance to talk...just the two of us. We did go to a few basketball games and build a snowman or two in the front of our apartment, but other than that it was work and school for us!

We lived in our small apartment in Smithfield for about 10 months and loved every minute of it. We then moved into Jonathan's uncles rental home in Hyrum to be closer to the horses. Jonathan was driving to Hyrum everyday from Smithfield to feed the horses, it wasn't far but in between working and school, sometimes it made it more work than we wanted, so when his uncle offered for us to move into his rental home, we were really excited to jump on the offer so we wouldn't be driving all over Cache valley everyday. Plus, Jonathan had been working at Miller Beef in Hyrum, so our lives had kind of moved to Hyrum, so we decided it would probably be best! We were sad to leave a few people in our ward in Smithfield, Jonathan had recently become really close to our home teacher Royce and we were sad to leave him, but he still kept in touch after we moved and came to Jonathan's funeral after learning of his passing.

About the same time we moved into this rental home (in April), Jonathan came to me one day telling me that he was going to apply for this internship up near the Teton's in Idaho to work on a ranch for the summer (school was going to be out in May). WHAT????? You really want to do that???? You really  want to leave me here by myself???? I was super upset! He knew I wouldn't be able to go with him because I didn't want to lose my job at CAL Ranch because who knows if I could have gotten in back, plus they probably didn't even have room for me if I did go with. No matter what I said to him, I couldn't change his mind about wanting to go. He kept telling me it will be a good opportunity, (because ag-business is what he was getting is degree in and he wanted to be a rancher) and that we could see each other on the weekends. REALLY??? The weekends, I can't just see you on the weekends. Later I would learn, I was blessed that he took this opportunity. I needed that summer to learn to be independent and learn to live without him because eventually he would be gone for good and I needed to know how to live without him.

We moved into the rental house and Jonathan got me a cute little puppy that we named Harley so that I would have someone there with me for the summer. I kept the gun by my bed all summer long too! Yes, I was a little paranoid. We were only in the rental house for a few weeks before he left to go do his internship, there I was left all alone with Harley. I never once went to church when we moved into our new ward in Hyrum because either I was working, visiting Jonathan in Idaho, or visiting family on the weekends, so I didn't know any of my neighbors or anyone in the area where we lived. During the weeks, I tried to work as much as possible and hang out with some friends I worked with because it was lonely at home, even if Harley was there. I looked forward to the weekends that whole summer! If Jonathan could come home, he would, if not, I would head up there. It was so pretty up there! I could totally picture our life in small town living somewhere like that! I loved to watch him work up there with the cattle and see him doing what he loved! I went on my first cattle drive up there, and let's just say I decided I didn't know if I would be doing that again! Jonathan was super frustrated with me because I wasn't doing it right, he never did yell at me but I could tell I was making him super uspet because I wasn't in the right place, I was letting cows out of where they were suppose to be, etc. What did he expect from this city girl and her first cattle drive. I guess he expected me to be a little better since I have been riding horses with him for how many months now??? :)

I decided to enroll in summer classes to finish my degree quicker that summer since Jonathan would be doing the internship all summer. One day as I was walking to class that summer, it was in July of 2005, I had this overwhelming feeling come over me that said your husband is going to pass away. The feeling was so real that tears started coming down my face and I couldn't control them. As I have looked back on this, I know it was the Spirit hitting me on the head saying "wake up, this is real and is going to happen, I have been trying to warn you but you are not listening." I thought to myself again, why do you keep thinking this, it is so awful, I would never want to lose him. I tried to get control of myself and stop the tears before walking into class, I didn't want anyone wondering what was wrong with me. But from that moment on, the feeling was so real to me that I thought something was going to happen to him while he was doing that internship up there in Idaho. I literally lived most days on edge waiting for a call that something was not right. Luckily that call never came and he came home safely from that internship at the end of the summer.

Power of the Spirit

Not long after Jonathan and I were married, I started having these thoughts of Jonathan dying young. They weren't just thoughts like what would I do etc., when I had these thoughts they felt so real like it was actually going to happen, so in my mind I would just think to myself well ok he is going to die around 40. I can handle that, I will have my kids to keep me busy and we will have lived a fairly long life together and I would ignore the thought. I never told anyone I had been having these thoughts because I literally thought I was just crazy, I mean come on, who really thinks of their husband dying when I had just gotten married. The closer it got to Jonathan getting in the accident, I had the thoughts more frequent and more intense like "this is going to happen, be ready"! As I look back on those thoughts, I realize it was the Spirit warning and preparing me but I obviously was not listening and so he had to hit me a little harder on the head as it got closer to that awful day...

Open House/First Apartment

We had our open house in Oakley the next night after we were married, so after we woke up that next morning (we slept in), we went and ate lunch and then went up to get ready for the open house. Our open house was super fun, thanks to Jonathan's mom. She served cobbler with IBC root beer in the bottles. Of course we had to have dancing at our open house because that's where we met. It was a lot of fun. I love to watch our open house video, it cracks me up watching everyone try to dance! That night we stayed in a hotel room in Coalville and headed up to the Uintah's for our honeymoon the next morning. We went on a horse pack trip up into the high Unitah's for our honeymoon. We both rode a horse up, and had another horse pack all our gear! You might be thinking we were crazy for wanting to do this for our honeymoon, but it was so us, and it was a lot of fun. It was just me, Jonathan, the horses, and a pretty lake to look at for a few days. It was so quiet and we had some great conversations that we wouldn't have had any other way! Perfect way to start off our marriage with some deep conversations with nobody around! We stayed up there for a few days, but wanted to get back in time to take my little brother to the MTC. So, we headed down the mountain and got to the truck, got everything loaded and ready to start our drive down the canyon, and the truck won't start! Perfect! Well, we were in the mountains and had no cell service, so we discussed what to do. Finally it was decided that I would ride down the canyon with the man stranger and Jonathan would stay with the truck and horses. So, I rode down the canyon with this dude (I never would do that today, I still can't believe I did it!  Shows how young and dumb WE were. Neither of us thought twice about it). Luckily he was  nice guy. Once we got to where I got service, I called Jonathan's mom and she came and got me, took me back to their house and his dad and brother went up to help Jonathan. It was an exciting evening to say the least! Come to find out the truck was out of gas, and we were the lucky ones to find out for Jonathan's parents that the gas gauge didn't work anymore! This would be the first of many times Jonathan ran our of gas in our short marriage! :) We stayed at Jonathan's parents that night since it was pretty late by the time they got home from getting Jonathan and then the next day we went down to my parents house because I wanted to see my brother off at the MTC.
The next day, we headed up to our first apartment together to both start school at Utah State and to find jobs before school started. We made our first home in Smithfield, Utah in this tiny old apartment building across the street from the Smithfield city cemetery. The fridge and stove were way tiny and green! It was a one bedroom apartment with a tiny bathroom, tiny kitchen (with no dishwasher), and a tiny living room. It had no washer and dryer hook-ups, so we had to do our laundry at the local laundry mat. We paid $365 a month, which included utilities for that apartment.
We both started looking for jobs. Jonathan got one before I did. He did some summer work for a construction company. I ended up getting a job a few weeks before school started at CAL Ranch as a bookkeeper. I came to love the people I worked with there and made several friendships. They became my family in Logan, and were the ones I turned to later on when I found out Jonathan had been in an accident.
Just a few photos from our open house. I absolutely love the one of Jonathan dancing with his grandma. So sweet!

Wedding Day

So, like I have said before. This blog may not end up in any order. I am just writing things down as I sit down and remember them while I type. Eventually, I may have things come to my mind that I want to write down, so this blog may not end up in any particular order. Anyway, Jonathan and I were sealed in the Mt. Timpanogos temple on Thursday, June 24, 2004. Our original date we planned to be married was July 15, 2004, but there was some family conflicts, so we moved it to July 8, 2004, and once again there were problems with family and that day, so we moved it up to June 24, 2004. I am super glad we did. That meant I got almost a whole month more being married to him, I cherish every moment I got with him! It was a sunny day, and there was actually a girl I worked with at Parkers that got married the same day as me in the same temple, so I got to see her in the brides room. Jonathan and I went to the temple together, my mom came at the same time we did so she could help me get ready. Of course a lot of the day was a blur, but one thing I do remember about that day, was I was so excited! I was never nervous. Jonathan and I sat in the Celestial room at the temple before they took us in to be sealed and it was the longest part of the day, I was just thinking come on already let's get this marriage on the road! That wait in the Celestial room seemed forever, but I was so excited! We went to the sealing room and all our family and friends were there. I don't remember a lot of what was said to us, but my grandpa sealed us and we were grateful for all the love and support of our family that was there.
After we were married, and went and had pictures taken outside the temple, we went to my parents church and had a little luncheon with all our family. After the luncheon, we headed to the reception. We did the whole cake cutting etc. at the reception. I got Jonathan good! Our cake knife was pretty sweet. Neither of us wanted to buy a lame cake knife that we would never use again, so we bought hunting knife and had our names and the date engraved into the knife. Jonathan's brother's friend operated a knife shop, so they were able to get us a pretty good deal on the knife!
After the reception, we headed off to Midway and stayed at the Homestead Resort in Midway. We had the Honeymoon suite there and just the other day, I was going through some stuff in my basement and I found in Jonathan's wallet that he saved out room key from that night! Super sweet, I started crying! We slept in that next morning and just relaxed because we had a long day the day before. Here are a few pics from our wedding day and the reception.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wedding Plans

Anyone that knows me, knows that I am not much of a party/event planner so I went as simple as possible in planning my wedding. I was only going to have one reception because I didn't want to plan a reception and an open house, but Jonathan being from Summit county meant that people would have to drive awhile to come to the reception in American Fork, so his mom talked us into having an open house in Oakley. She said she would plan it all, and she was awesome and did, and it turned out great! I didn't have to plan one thing of it, just show up! Best mom ever!
 I pretty much planned everything for our wedding and reception in American Fork because if I asked Jonathan anything his reply was always "I don't care." So, it was very simple, but that was ok with me because I am a pretty simple person.
So, just a fun story that I remember because it is pretty significant to me is one day one we were up at Jonathan's parents house and we were talking about the temple we were being married in etc. I told them I was planning on having our wedding in the LDS Mt. Timpanogos temple because my grandpa was a sealer there and he could marry us. They asked me who my grandpa was, and I told them, and Jonathan's dad said, "Your grandpa spoke at my dad's funeral." Well come to find out mine and Jonathan's grandpas had worked at Geneva Steel together and were friends and when Jonathan's grandpa died, my grandpa was asked to speak at his funeral. Jonathan's dad pulled out the program from his dad's funeral and showed me my grandpa's name in there. It was a fun little experience, made me feel like we were really meant to be together.

Engagement Photos

Found the pic of my eye after I got stitches in it. If you look close you can see above my left eye the stitches and it is a little bruised.

Jonathan's cousin took our engagement pictures for us in April 2004 in Idaho. We went up to his grandma's house for LDS General conference weekend and stayed at his sisters house one night in Ogden the night before we headed up to Idaho. Then we spent the weekend in Idaho. We got up early on Saturday morning to have our pics taken. I had a long sleeve shirt I was planning on wearing, but it was so cold the morning that we were taking pictures that I had to have my jacket on too during pics  because I was freezing!!! We just had them taken on Jonathan's grandmas family land there in Idaho. They turned out great, and this kind of started the wedding planning process for us! These were the only "formal" pictures we had taken the whole time we were together and the only ones I have of just the two of us that are not candid's or from our wedding day. Here are a few of my fav's! You can kind of see in the second photo my left eye still a little swollen from my fall!

Feeding the Calf

A few weeks before we were going to get our engagement pictures taken, Jonathan and his brother left out of town. I want to say they went to Elko, Nevada, but I am not positive. Anyway, when they left they had a baby calf at their house that they had been bottle feeding because something had happened to the momma cow and so she couldn't feed this calf. So, they needed someone to feed it for them while they were gone. Jonathan asked if I would do it???? Sure, to be honest, I thought I would kill it while they were gone. My experience bottle feeding animals all resulted in them dying when I was younger, so asking me to bottle feed another animal made me nervous. I only had to do it for a couple days, so I just hoped that I could keep it alive for a couple days. Well, I did fine keeping the calf alive, it was what I did to myself in the process. Let me first tell you the process of feeding the calf before I tell you what I did to myself. The calf was in the horse trailer that was in the driveway, so I would have to go through the garage inside the house to prepare the bottle, then come back through the garage back out to feed the calf. After you were done feeding the calf, you would walk back through the garage and back into the house to rinse the bottle out etc., then it was back through the garage out to my car to go home. Well, I had got done feeding the calf and I was taking the bottle back in to clean it out, as I was walking through the garage, my clumsy self somehow tripped and I fell flat on the ground and hit just above my eye and below my eyebrow on this metal leg of a chair. It split it right open and was gushing blood everywhere. I went inside the house, got a paper towel and pressed it against my cut and tried to clean out the bottle best as I could one handed. I then proceeded to drive all the way to American Fork from Orem holding the paper towel on my head. I got home and asked my mom if she thought I needed stitches, "....UM, yeah", she said. So, she called the doctor and I drove up there once again by myself because she was teaching piano. When the doctor came to stitch me up, I said to him could you please stitch it good so it doesn't scar very bad. I am getting engagement pictures taken in a few weeks and I don't want it to look horrible! Doc said of course! That was my main concern is an ugly scar for engagement pics! How pathetic was I! Anyway, the doctor actually did an awesome job, you can hardly see the scar today or the day of my engagement pics! :) Above my eye was still a little swollen when I had the pics taken, but you can't see the scar! :) Jonathan had also had something done to his hand shortly before I biffed it in the garage and split my eye open, and had to wear a brace on his hand for awhile, so we joked about our injuries we had at the same time. I have a picture of me somewhere with my eye, but I can't find it, but here is a pic of Jonathan sporting his awesome brace!

Branding

Something I looked forward to doing with Jonathan every year was branding and dehorning calves. I had never done anything like this, and luckily was able to do it a handful of times with him between their own calves and helping others brand theirs. I seriously thought is was so fun, don't ask me why. I loved the company and watching Jonathan work. I also loved being outside all day and just sending the calves through the chute, it's pretty fun to watch. Jonathan always let me try, or more helped me doing a branding on a few calves and also let me de-horn a few. Super fun times that I really miss doing that with him too! Whenever it starts to get branding season, I always want to go find someone branding their calves so I can watch, I probably wouldn't be the same because Jonathan is not there, but still reminds me of him whenever I see branding sessions going on.

Ride out west with Jonathan's brother

I have to laugh at this story, because it just shows that I know nothing about horses! So, me and Jonathan went on a ride out west of Utah Lake with Jonathan's brother Michael, on some horses that they had been breaking. Anyway, they put me on this horse that had been broke but they were still working with it. Let me tell you what, I was scared to get on that thing but I didn't say a word and I got on it anyway! If they wouldn't have kept saying "which one we going to put her on" and "yeah, he will probably be the best", I probably wouldn't have thought twice about getting on the horse they were putting me on, but they were making it sound like all these horses were newbies, and here they are going to put a city girl on it! Anyway, the ride went really well, and I didn't have any problems with the horse until we were almost back to the truck...the horse started laying down and Michael is yelling at me to get off, and I had never seen Jonathan move so quick in his life off his horse running over to me. I didn't see a problem, but apparently they were worried about the horse rolling over onto it's back with me still on it since I didn't know to get off the thing when it starts laying down. So, that's why we never let the city girl ride a greenie horse again!

Horse Ride in the Uintah's

One of my favorite memories I have of Jonathan after we were engaged was a horse ride we took up the Uintah's. I loved going on horse rides with him. It gave the city girl the opportunity to ride behind her cowboy and just watch him. I loved watching Jonathan ride horses! He was so good with them and you could tell he really enjoyed working with them and riding them. I was so far from being any cowgirl, I didn't know how to ride or anything, but he was always so patient with me and encouraging and always helped me. We went on a long ride just him and I and we came across an old outhouse that had 3 seats in it. If anyone knows me really well, they know that I was pretty excited to come across the outhouse. I had to get a picture of me and Jonathan in the outhouse and this is where Jonathan learned of my weird "bathroom humor" obsession. I really enjoyed going up to his parents house to hang and while we were dating an engaged. It was always so relaxing. He grew up in a small town and so it was fun to go up there and get away from the city and just relax. That is something I definitely miss about him too. He was always so relaxed and calm and wasn't in a hurry to do much, which seemed to make my life more stress free! This picture was taken on this particular ride I am talking about to the Uintah's.